Happy Friday! I’m glad it’s Friday, and the weather is gorgeous today (we see you, global warming).
I have the need to write about something pretty personal right now, trigger warning.
I tried to kill myself once. I used to self harm religiously.
I remember the first time I did, and how good it felt… the control of it.
I was at my mom’s house, I don’t remember if I was upset because of something that happened with my mom or with my abusive ex, but all I know is that I was very upset. I went in my room, shut the door, and grabbed a pair of scissors. I remember cutting both of my forearms, not getting too close to my wrists because, well I wasn’t trying to kill myself then. I was just finding a release.
And I got addicted. Severely addicted. After that, I would do whatever I could to find that release. I would heat up scissors or razors, or scratch myself until I bled. I was so dependent on it, it was sickening.
This continued for years. I was even getting professional help, but I was so addicted, it wasn’t working.
I was looking at my arms today, mainly admiring my tattoo on my left forearm that says “save your scissors” (catch the irony there), and on my forearms and biceps you can still see scars. You can still see them on my thighs, too. Even though I’ve tried to cover up the worst of the thigh ones with a tattoo, they’re very obviously still there.
It’s just crazy to think of how far a person can come. I still struggle with my depression, and quite frankly, I still struggle with the urge to self harm. It’ll never go away, and I understand that. It sucks, though. I don’t know. I just want to help people. I don’t want people to go through what I went through.
Don’t be afraid to show them your beautiful scars, ’cause they’re the proof. Yeah, you’re the proof. – The Healing Has Begun by Mathew West
I hope you all are feeling great today.