2/16/2017 (3)

Hi, Friend.

Friend is a term that I’ve started to use lightly. I don’t have friends.. and it really sucks. I have my fiance, love him to death, but the poor guy gets all of my complaining that would really be for girlfriends. He knows he’s my best friend, but he’s really one of my only friends.

I have a friend, we’ll call her S. We’ve been friends since junior year of high school. I guess we’d be “best friends” but it’s just not the relationship that I hope for. I adore her, she is one of my very closest friends, but it’s just not the friendship that I’m craving.

I had a friend, R, and we started getting close.. then she got a boyfriend and a new best friend and just stopped talking to me, or would say she’s coming over and then either ignore me, or make some bullshit excuse not to come over or go anywhere. And it really sucked.

I have other “friends”, some I see occasionally, others I don’t really see, but we’ve left things on a mutual ‘hey I still think you’re cool but we’re not really gonna hang out or talk anymore’ kind of place.

It sucks. I just want to have a best friend. I want to have someone to just do everything with that isn’t my fiance. He wants to hang out with his friends, too, and without me. Which I understand. One of his friends, though, has become a chaotic neutral between me and my fiance and it’s quite funny.

But other than that… people don’t like me. I was supposed to go to Chicago with a girl I used to work with, we weren’t ‘friends’ but we got along. A week before I was supposed to go (not that I could, anyway, because I didn’t realize I was actually busy the weekend she was going) she blocked me on twitter, which is where we communicated. I don’t know why… I never even got the chance to tell her that I wasn’t able to go. Things like this always happen to me. I lose everyone and it fucking hurts.

I just want a girl friend. One who smokes would be ideal, but I’d literally take any friend right now.

I’m sad.