I’m currently sober, which some would say that that’s their best state of mind, but I disagree for myself. It’s okay, though.
I’m struggling today with nostalgia… as if I don’t struggle with nostalgia daily. That’s part of why I prefer to be high. I don’t like thinking about all the good things that I’ve lost because of my own stupid, selfish ways.
I had a really great life… kind of. The best time of my life was when I was suicidal… 5 years ago, but that obviously wasn’t why it was the best time. I had the greatest best friend and the most amazing boyfriend at that time… and I managed to lose both in the blink of an eye.
For some reason, I can’t seem to let go of either of them.. Both losses hurt SO bad. I wish I had known about smoking weed back then.. I had a shitty vice of self harm.
I struggle with depression. Anxiety, too, but now it’s mainly been depression. I always have had both. That’s also why I like being high so much, I don’t feel as depressed. I’m on medicine for depression, but I don’t think it’s doing much good at this point.
I’ve made some bad decisions lately. Really bad decisions. I hurt my fiance pretty bad. I had been texting my ex (as previously mentioned above) and it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it was bad. My fiance looked through my phone and saw what was said. I feel like shit about it, but I felt okay about it at the time (not that I’m justifying this) because I didn’t know if I wanted to stay with my fiance… I still don’t know at this point… and when the boy you were head over heels in love with you starts talking to you, it’s hard to resist.
But that’s another thing. Ex and I have had many conversations about us and what we were. And he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to be with me in a relationship way, only in a bootycall kind of way. Which obviously isn’t good.
I sound like a shitty person, and I think I am. That’s why I think I don’t have friends, I can’t keep friends, either. People don’t like me.
I’m currently really struggling, and often find myself wishing I was dead.. but I’m still here. So I guess it’s all okay for now.