2/18/2017

Hi, Friend.

It’s 9:26 on this beautiful Saturday morning, and when I say beautiful, I mean¬†beautiful.¬†The sun is shining, birds are chirping, and it’s supposed to get pretty warm today. Good day so far.

I’ve had two cups of coffee, and one cigarette so far. I’ve been up since about 7:20 this morning. I’m feeling quite content.

Although I’m alone, I love my Saturday mornings to myself. There’s just something about them.

I have to see my mom today, and I’m not looking forward to it. We get along much better than we used to, but she’s still very hard to be around. She’s just a very unpleasant person. It’s really unfortunate because I can blatantly see her bad qualities that I have in myself. But at least I can recognize them, so I can work on changing them.

It’s alright, though. I’m trying to stay positive more.

Cigarettes on cigarettes, my mamma think I stink. I got burn holes in my hoodies, all my homies think it’s dank. –Cocoa Butter Kisses by Chance the Rapper. 10/10 would recommend.

I don’t really have anything important to say, I’m just in a good mood. I probably won’t be in a good mood later, so let’s all bask in this good mood.

Happy Saturday, y’all.

-D

Advertisements

2/17/2017 )(2)

Hi, Friend.

It’s 11:08 pm and I’m stoned.

I’m so happy. I’m currently alone but my fiance is on his way home right now. What a great feeling, being high.

I actually think I smoked more tonight than I ever have before.

I’m so happy I can type fast, I have like 63 words per minute. It’s just weird to me that my brain doesn’t even need to think about where the letters are. Memory is cool as shit.

When I’m sober, I can’t remember anything ever. It’s actually really awful.

And now I’m going to go watch Freaks and Geeks and be happy.

 

Stay stoned,

-D

 

2/17/2017

Hi, Friend.

It’s early again. 8:15 AM, to be exact. I’m happy it’s Friday, just because I want to stay up late and I can’t do that during the work week. Not that I have plans for the weekend, but it’s okay.

It’s an old friend’s birthday today. I sent her an old picture of us cuddling with an ice pack, she and I used to be so freaking close. I miss having her in my life. She was a really shitty friend at some points, but nonetheless, we had some really great times from middle school to high school. It makes me really nostalgic.. I miss how my life used to be…

I stand to the side and root for so many of my old friends. I hope they’re all doing well. I wish I wouldn’t have lost contact with some of them, but I guess that’s growing up.

I’m kind of stressed because I have to start packing up the apartment that my fiance and I live in. We’re moving into my grandma’s/sister’s house. It was my grandma’s, then she moved in with my dad, so he let my one sister and her husband live there as a wedding present, and now they’re moving to Oregon… we live in Ohio for reference. It just sucks because I moved to Florida with my other sister and my fiance (he was my boyfriend at the time) straight out of high school in August of 2014, then moved back home in June 2015, then moved to the apartment in October 2015, and now here we are again, moving. I am excited to get out of the dang apartment, though. Plus, my dad’s gonna be our landlord and that’s just gonna be great.

I think we’ll probably throw a party this weekend, it’s supposed to be nice, and I just don’t want to be sober if I don’t have to be… and I only have to be sober a little bit on Saturday. AND I have Monday off, so there’s options. I love having options.

If you’re wondering where the friends come from for the party, it’s mainly my fiance’s friends. I like most of them… but that’s a story for another time.

Well, I guess I’ll stop here because now I’m just rambling… I’ll probably write again later… I hope that isn’t annoying.

-D

2/16/2017 (4)

Hi, Friend.

It’s now 10:14 pm and I just smoked not too long ago. I love watching Property Brothers, I used to work in the remodeling/contracting business. Definitely something that sparks my interest.

I currently am content with life, and it’s a great feeling. It really only happens when I’m high. I wish I could feel this way when I’m sober, too.

Having depression is the worst thing that I’ve ever had to deal with. It’s consumed my life for so long, and it’s really just awful. I feel so glad for people who have never had to deal with it. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hate constantly feeling run down. I hate constantly feeling worthless. I hate constantly feeling like I don’t want to be alive anymore. I want to get better, and I’m scared I never will.

But on other notes, I’m going to stop talking about depression and go enjoy this high.

Until next time,

-D

 

2/16/2017 (3)

Hi, Friend.

Friend is a term that I’ve started to use lightly. I don’t have friends.. and it really sucks. I have my fiance, love him to death, but the poor guy gets all of my complaining that would really be for girlfriends. He knows he’s my best friend, but he’s really one of my only friends.

I have a friend, we’ll call her S. We’ve been friends since junior year of high school. I guess we’d be “best friends” but it’s just not the relationship that I hope for. I adore her, she is one of my very closest friends, but it’s just not the friendship that I’m craving.

I had a friend, R, and we started getting close.. then she got a boyfriend and a new best friend and just stopped talking to me, or would say she’s coming over and then either ignore me, or make some bullshit excuse not to come over or go anywhere. And it really sucked.

I have other “friends”, some I see occasionally, others I don’t really see, but we’ve left things on a mutual ‘hey I still think you’re cool but we’re not really gonna hang out or talk anymore’ kind of place.

It sucks. I just want to have a best friend. I want to have someone to just do everything with that isn’t my fiance. He wants to hang out with his friends, too, and without me. Which I understand. One of his friends, though, has become a chaotic neutral between me and my fiance and it’s quite funny.

But other than that… people don’t like me. I was supposed to go to Chicago with a girl I used to work with, we weren’t ‘friends’ but we got along. A week before I was supposed to go (not that I could, anyway, because I didn’t realize I was actually busy the weekend she was going) she blocked me on twitter, which is where we communicated. I don’t know why… I never even got the chance to tell her that I wasn’t able to go. Things like this always happen to me. I lose everyone and it fucking hurts.

I just want a girl friend. One who smokes would be ideal, but I’d literally take any friend right now.

I’m sad.

-D

2/16/2017 (2)

When did you change? Wendy, you’ve aged. I thought you’d never grow up, I thought you’d never… Window closed, Wendy got old. I was too late, I was too late.. a shadow of what I once was. ‘Cause we don’t do the same drugs no more. 

Hi, Friend.

I’m currently listening to Same Drugs by Chance the Rapper. This song makes me feel so much. I think that’s why I like it so much. Not much makes me feel anymore, but this song sure does. Hits me like a ton of bricks every time. Side note- I cannot wait to see Chance the Rapper in May.

 

This song makes me so damn nostalgic. I just really miss how my life used to be. I never seem to be happy in the moment. And that’s an awful way to live. I always seem to think I was happier in the past… causing me to not appreciate the present. It’s really crappy, actually.

I wish I had something else to talk about other than being nostalgic. But that seems to be my main issue right now.. I guess I really shouldn’t complain though. I could be drowning in depression right now. I’m actually kind of okay right now.. There’s a shocker.

One day, I can’t wait to look back and feel happy nostalgia instead of this sad bullshit.

Maybe one day I’ll be happy one day. I surely hope.

Wishful thinking for the rest of the day.

-D

2/16/2017

I like my coffee black. Strong and black. I’ve always been this way. I used to occasionally drink coffee with flavored creamer in it, but I don’t anymore. I think using creamer or sugar or whatever takes away the best part about the coffee-the bitter bean taste. I love it. I was raised on it. I guess that’s something that’s always been a constant in my life.

Hi, Friend.

It’s early. It’s 8:22 in the morning. I am once again sober. I’m at “work” which is really watching my 95 year old grandma all day. Not that she’s like a vegetable or anything, she just needs someone to help her get up and down the stairs, and keep her on track because she forgets a lot. I love it. It’s the perfect job for me… for now.

I want to work with kids. I want to open my own daycare one day, if I can’t be a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom is what I really would love to do. I’ve started on getting my child care certification… but I get so lazy, I’m scared that I’m not going to finish and never get my certification. I hate being so lazy, I hate that I lose motivation so quickly.

I got high last night, and listened to music that I hadn’t listened to yet while high. That’s my favorite part about being high, is listening to music. It was Chance the Rapper’s mixtape Acid Rap. I’ve listened to it sober plenty of times, but it’s even better when high. I also like that being high gives me an appetite because if I’m not high, I really struggle to eat. Or sleep, that’s a good benefit, too. I love sleeping when I’m high.

I’m hoping to have a good day today. I’m at my dad’s house watching my grandma from 7:45 AM – 10 PM. So it’ll be pretty uneventful. I might even write again.

Until then.

-D