4/3/2017

Hi, Friend.

Well, I officially start as a pre-school teacher tomorrow! I’m very excited but also trying to prepare myself for what I’m getting into.

For example, while I was there doing paperwork today, one of the little girls from my classroom was brought down to the office for hitting one of the teachers, kicking her shoes off at the teacher, spitting at the teacher, and throwing scissors at the teacher.

They think she’s acting like this because she’s been an only child for 4 years and now they’re expecting another child. Can you say spoiled?

And I haven’t heard anything about a drug test, so that’s cool. I feel like I’m going to need some high-therapy some nights from these kids. 9-5:30 Monday-Friday. Oh boy.

I am excited, though, don’t get me wrong.

Well, just a little news update.

Until next time,

-D

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4/2/2017

Hi, Friend.

I’m sick, again. I’m so over being sick. I’m pretty sure it’s another sinus infection. What a fun time I’m having.

Fiance and I are also in a money bind. I still haven’t gotten paid from my new job because I technically haven’t started yet. So that means we just have his income and haven’t gotten paid since two weeks ago. It’s really rough.

I’m tired and stressed out. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m trying to keep up with life, but life is just going too fast.

I’ll be 21 in 11 days. That’s insane to me. Time is really, really flying. I feel like my thoughts are stoned, even though I’m not.

I need a blunt.

Anyway, just a check in.

Until next time,

-D

3/28/2017

Hi, friend.

It’s been about 27 days since I last wrote to you, life has been hectic.. I don’t even know where to start…

Well, I technically “lost” my job of watching my grandma because she fell and broke her pelvis (on my dad’s time, not while I was watching her), and now she’s in a rehab place.. so for about 2-ish weeks now, I’ve been unemployed, which means only Fiance’s income.. so it’s been really rough, we have so many bills and we FINALLY got some groceries in the house last week.

I did, though, get a new job. I work at a church daycare now, in the 3-4 year old room. But right now I’m in my ‘shadowing’ period which means that I’m kind of observing to make sure this is something I want to do. I only have had one day of shadowing, and my next day is tomorrow. But the director of the program really likes me, and said that instead of a week of shadowing (did I mention that shadowing is unpaid????), I can just do two days,  and if I want to continue, after two days we’ll start my paperwork and training. So that’s pretty cool. I will, though, only be making minimum wage… which is only $8.15 an hour.. definitely a lot less than the $500 a week I was making watching my grandma. But right now, I’ll take anything I can get.

Fiance and I are finally getting settled into our new place. We moved in a little less than a month ago.  A ton of stuff is still in boxes… but we’re getting there. It’s pretty cool living in a house… but it’s nerve wrecking when we only have one income currently… bills, bills, bills. Stressful as could be.

Then, Fiance and I nearly broke up two nights ago. Everything I’ve been holding in has finally came out… so here’s to hoping that things change, on both of our ends, or else this will be the end of us. How sad, honestly.

I did get another friend, though. Well, an old friend that is now a friend again. So that’s nice, we’re pretty close again and I appreciate that.

I haven’t been smoking too much, either. I think it’s because living next door to my dad is kind of scary.. even though my dad told me we can do shrooms together when he retires at the end of this year. Yeaaahhhh, Dad!

I’m going to try to start writing again. Life isn’t THAT busy, so here’s to hoping it works.

Thanks for always listening.

-D

3/1/2017

Hi, Friend. 

I can’t believe it’s already the first of March. This year is flying by. 

I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t been able to write. Between planning the sleep over for the church youth, trying to pack to move into a house, and get my sister’s Bridal shower together, life has been crazy. 

I picked up on painting, though. I’m not very good yet, but I like it. I really want a hobby that’ll stick. (Cover picture is one of my paintings ha ha)

Things have been just crazy between me and fiancé, too. We’ve both been stressed out and well, unhappy. It’s actually really scary. 

I still don’t have a friend, either. If you were wondering. 

Anyway, I’m gonna sit with my grandma now. Maybe I’ll have a better post later. 

-D

2/24/2017

Hi, Friend.

Happy Friday! I’m glad it’s Friday, and the weather is gorgeous today (we see you, global warming).

I have the need to write about something pretty personal right now, trigger warning.

I tried to kill myself once. I used to self harm religiously.

I remember the first time I did, and how good it felt… the control of it.

I was at my mom’s house, I don’t remember if I was upset because of something that happened with my mom or with my abusive ex, but all I know is that I was very upset. I went in my room, shut the door, and grabbed a pair of scissors. I remember cutting both of my forearms, not getting too close to my wrists because, well I wasn’t trying to kill myself then. I was just finding a release.

And I got addicted. Severely addicted. After that, I would do whatever I could to find that release. I would heat up scissors or razors, or scratch myself until I bled. I was so dependent on it, it was sickening.

This continued for years. I was even getting professional help, but I was so addicted, it wasn’t working.

I was looking at my arms today, mainly admiring my tattoo on my left forearm that says “save your scissors” (catch the irony there), and on my forearms and biceps you can still see scars. You can still see them on my thighs, too. Even though I’ve tried to cover up the worst of the thigh ones with a tattoo, they’re very obviously still there.

It’s just crazy to think of how far a person can come. I still struggle with my depression, and quite frankly, I still struggle with the urge to self harm. It’ll never go away, and I understand that. It sucks, though. I don’t know. I just want to help people. I don’t want people to go through what I went through.

Don’t be afraid to show them your beautiful scars, ’cause they’re the proof. Yeah, you’re the proof. – The Healing Has Begun by Mathew West

I hope you all are feeling great today.

-D

2/23/2017

Hi, Friend.

I can’t believe it’s already Thursday. My weeks go by so fast.

Life’s been hectic. Trying to get ready for our big move and such.

I’m over it, I stress out so easily. Shout out to weed for calming me down most of the time.

I rolled a blunt yesterday, it’s been a while since I’ve last rolled one.. I used to be SO good at it, but I’ve slightly lost my touch and I’m lowkey upset about it.

I spend most of my days at “work” (watching my 95 year old grandma) watching judge shows. I don’t mind it, I think I could make a good judge, but I also think it would take too long to get to that status.

My dad listens to Rush Limbaugh. Not just him, but Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and that dumb O’Riley guy. It makes me mad because all of them are stupid and awful bigots. I wish my dad wasn’t so conservative. It makes it hard because I don’t think he’s realized that I’m a liberal… and he talks so much shit on liberals (as conservatives do).

Okay, I don’t need to talk about politics.

I’m watching my grandma from 7:45 this morning until 10 tonight. I’m thankful I’m just at my dad’s house though, that makes it nice.

I don’t even really have anything important to say… so that’s about it.

-D

2/21/2017

Hi, Friend.

It’s 10:37 AM on Tuesday. It’s been a few days since I’ve wrote, I had a busy weekend.

I had jury duty today *hard eye roll*. What a pain. Here’s a good story for you…

So, I’m driving around trying to find parking for the courthouse, mind you, I’ve lived in this city for 19 of my 20 years here on this earth.. yet I couldn’t tell you (before today) which building was the courthouse (even though it’s called COURTHOUSE SQUARE.. and it’s the only building in the yard….) So I parked on the wrong side of the square, parked badly (parallel parking? Really? Aren’t we past that as a civilization?), and ran across the yard because it was 8:38 and I had to be there at 8:45 (I freak out and get bad panic attacks if I think I’m going to be late).

So I go into the courthouse, they send my purse through the metal thingy and I walked through the metal detector. Then I followed two nice ladies who knew where they were going. We’re waiting in line to be checked in, and so far I hadn’t seen anyone that I knew… just how I like things. Then, I was trying to find a seat, but it was packed. This nice man, seriously nice, got up and let me have his seat (faith in humanity restored real quick). So I’m looking around at all the people… and then… up and to the left… was my 10th grade English teacher. Oh. My. Gosh.

You remember how I mentioned the whole ‘I was once severely suicidal’ thing? Well, that time of my life was in 10th grade. I HATED this man’s class. I had no friends, I was miserable, like this class was one of the reasons I was so depressed. That being said, me and this teacher had our quarrels. So, I see that he’s trying to discretely look at me, and so I pulled out the book I brought to read….

Ready for this? I brought Catcher in the Rye. I’m rereading it because *drum roll please* ……. I read it in 10th grade and ‘hated’ it, so I’m rereading it with an open mind…

10th grade. English. This teacher knew how much I hated the book… how did he know? Because we used to have to write journal entries in his class… and one I wrote about how much I hated the book, thought it was stupid, thought it was stupid that we had to read it, and that I hated the negative main character… My teacher’s response? “Are you sure you’re not more like Holden Caulfield than you think?”  and at the time I was like “OH SCREWWWWWW YOU, MR. WHITTAKER.”

So anyway, I pull out this FREAKING book and here’s my 10th grade English teacher… My life is a joke. I could feel 10th grade me shitting herself.

I’ve never walked faster to get OUT of a room.

So that’s been my day. Ridiculous, as always. With my luck, we’re probably on the same panel and I’ll have to see him even more.. He was probably surprised to see that I’m not dead ha ha… that’s not funny, but it kinda is to me.

Anyway. I was high a lot this weekend and now I’m planning an overnighter for our youth group (did I tell you my fiance and I are youth leaders? If I didn’t, now you know). I don’t know why they’re trusting us with about 10 young lives for a whole night… but we’ll see how it goes.

Happy Tuesday!

-D